LJ Idol entry 4.2: What Terrifies Me

[puppetmaker]

Well two topics in a row that I find hard to write about. What happened to some of the slam dunks from last year? (Kidding Kidding. I kid because I love.)

I had to think about this one because the word terrify means several different things and some of them are rather subjective.

According to the American Heritage Dictionary (because I don't feel like pulling out my OED right now and my AHD is right next to me)

Terrify (verb)
1. To fill with terror; make deeply afraid. See Synonyms at frighten.
2. To menace or threaten; intimidate.

Now there are some things that have always caused me to be afraid. Heights spring to mind first. I have always had an aversion to them. I also have vertigo. The easiest way to explain it is that when I go up a ladder there sometimes comes a point where I lose which way is up and which way is down and that can be very disconcerting. This also explains why I don't like roller coasters either.

There are other things that changed over time with me.

I use to be terrified of large dogs after one jumped all over me when I was a child. I have gotten over that fear and get along with all dogs big and small and am quite use to getting jumped on by them.

I use to be terrified of speaking in public. I could do it but I was a nervous mess before and afterwards with all the classic dry mouth and knocking knees happening. Then I got the job at Del Rey and found myself talking more and more in public. After a while I think I got desensitized to the whole thing and I am quite comfortable with talking in front of a large group.

I use to be terrified of performing with my puppets. Yes, the puppeteer was scared of performing. Strange I know but the more I did it and the more that little mistakes (and some big ones) happened the more it became less of a big deal to the point where I can put on a puppet and go on without breaking a sweat. I'm still terrified of acting on stage without a mask or extensive make-up. I rarely if ever put just my face out there. Just look at the pictures of the costumes I have been in if you want proof of this.

I was terrified that I wouldn't make it to the second week of this contest but here I am.

The big change came into my life over 5 and half years ago when I found out I was pregnant. I had all the pregnancy terrors a first time mother could have without any of the problems. My pregnancy was pretty much textbook. I also had concerns because of my age and the age of my husband and those darn statistics that just make you wonder if anyone had a normal child anymore. Strangely I was not terrified about the delivery because I knew that was going to hurt and now I have a whole new meaning to the word pain.

Once she was born of course I was terrified that I was not going to be a good mother or I was going to drop her. I didn't drop her and she tells me at least once a day that I am a good mommy usually accompanied with a hug and a kiss.

I'm terrified of the world I brought her into but I know she is a strong child and will become a strong person. There is a lot screwed up about our world but there is more that is wonderful and magical. I had forgotten until my daughter reminded me by showing me the world all over again. I had forgotten how pretty the first flowers in the spring could be or the sound of rain or wind.

I am terrified for my child's future but I don't think that makes me any different than many parents out there. I want the best for her and I want to be able to provide her with a good childhood and a solid foundation that she can take into life. But watching her grow up make me more confidant in my abilities as a parent.

Next on the list of things that terrify me will be her going to kindergarten and then to school but it is something I know that she should do. And I am sure that something will come along to replace that fear.

Comments

[tulip-in-yellow.livejournal.com]

My son will start kindergarten in August and I'm petrified!

Strangely I was not terrified about the delivery because I knew that was going to hurt and now I have a whole new meaning to the word pain.

*laughing so hard*

That's one way to put it!

[puppetmaker40.livejournal.com]

Thanks. It is the one thing about the WHOLE pregnancy I was comfortable with (as strange as that sound) because I knew there was going to be pain and more pain. I think not knowing bothers me a lot. It always has and probably always will. I feel more in control if I have at least the basic facts of a situation.

[n-decisive.livejournal.com]

Not knowing things makes me uncomfortable as well.

I enjoyed your entry; my own fears for my children set off some significant panic attacks. It's funny what love can do...

[twystedpixie.livejournal.com]

Yeeeeeeeeah, see, that line, combined with the graphic birth scene I just watched in Knocked Up and I remain firmly convinced I won't want ANY PART OF THAT.

[tulip-in-yellow.livejournal.com]

You probably won't believe this, but you forget the pain. I labored for over 24 hours and yes, it was miserable. I still had to have an emergency c-section AFTER all the damn labor.

But then, you get this thing. This crying, laughing, hugging, hide-n-seek playing, air guitar playing thing. And it's the most beautiful thing ever.

In fact, I've said it many times, but the love for my son is the only proof I have that unconditional love exists.

[twystedpixie.livejournal.com]

I'm 27, and I still find myself waffling over the issue. I know I have it in me to love fiercely and completely. I just don't know that I'm not too selfish to have kids.

[tulip-in-yellow.livejournal.com]

Oh sweety, I'm nearly the queen of selfish and I manage it. It does still break my heart when I buy myself a yummy snack (we'll say Cheez-Its in this case) and my son proceeds to swarm and inhale and boom, the bag is empty. Not only will he eat me out of house and home, but he'll also steal my own personal snacks in the process.

Maybe you're right. Don't have kids. At least that way, you get your Cheez-Its!

[twystedpixie.livejournal.com]

I think it's just a guy thing. I can't tell you the number of times I've come home to find Brian has eaten the leftovers, something I was saving for myself, or something I had hidden with the intention of him not finding it. He does know if he touches my Ben & Jerry's, I will eviscerate him. But everything else is fair game.

[puppetmaker40.livejournal.com]

For me it is those little bags of M&Ms you can get at Halloween. Those have the right amount of chocolate that satisfies me.

Now guess who makes big anime eyes and sweet talks her ol' mum into giving them up? *grin*

I didn't think I was going to be having any kids when I was in my late 20 and early 30s but the situation changed and I have my Caroline.

[tulip-in-yellow.livejournal.com]

If it's candy or the wrapper sounds like a candy wrapper, there's no chance that I'm getting my hands on it.

[n-decisive.livejournal.com]

She's right. When you're in the midst of it, you think you'll never forget it because it's so strong, so visceral. Each day after giving birth, though, it fades a bit more until only a week later, you can't remember for a moment why you thought it hurt.

[lacombe.livejournal.com]

"But, skeptical if love, I survive by the witness of my own."

~Lisel Mueller

[wookiemonster.livejournal.com]

I believe there's an on-line version of the OED... I know I used it for college...

[puppetmaker40.livejournal.com]

There is and I have had used it before.

This time I turned off my internet connection so I would not be disturbed or distracted by stuff on the web while I wrote so I needed the paper copy....but come to think of it, I have a widget on my dashboard that is a dictionary AND I have a dictionary as part of Microsoft word so I really didn't need to consult the paper version just did out of habit I guess.

[wookiemonster.livejournal.com]

All good. I know people who are so used to using search engines that they can't find things in the phone book and such. It's amusing the amazement they have when I can look up stuff in a book...

[twystedpixie.livejournal.com]

How wonderful that she has a mom who worries so. Terrifying for you, but bittersweet. Well done. :)

[puppetmaker40.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

For my husband this is his 4th daughter so we balance each other out nicely.

[popfiend.livejournal.com]

*HUG*

I like this.

[puppetmaker40.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

And thanks for your help that I made it to the 2nd week.

This is stressful.

[libra-dragon.livejournal.com]

Great entry!

[kittenboo.livejournal.com]

having just had a son 17 months ago i can relate.

[lilmissmagic71.livejournal.com]

I am so in touch with your post that it isn't even funny... I was told from 15 years old that I would never carry a child to full term... then amazingly, at 28... I proved them wrong... that pregnancy was one of the most terrifying times in my life... until I had him... now every day could be counted as the most terrifying, on some levels... simply because of the way I question myself every day whether I am giving him all he needs to survive this world and everything I can to protect him... these terrors of course were exponentially increased when I had my second boy 2 years ago at age 34... I almost posted on my maternal terrors, as well... but felt it would be such a rambling and novella sized post that I needed to reconsider...

this post was very well written and very heartfelt... I think that the parent's who question themselves and worry are probably better parents than those that blithely enter parenthood with no fears at all... (I've met them, so far they've proven my hypothesis true)...

great entry!

[boundfate.livejournal.com]

Your daughter is lucky to have such a good mom.

[porcelain72.livejournal.com]

I'm terrified of the world I brought her into but I know she is a strong child and will become a strong person. There is a lot screwed up about our world but there is more that is wonderful and magical. I had forgotten until my daughter reminded me by showing me the world all over again. I had forgotten how pretty the first flowers in the spring could be or the sound of rain or wind.

My daughter is almost 10, and I'm happy to say that are still things I get to see with a fresh pair of eyes. It really is wonderful sometimes.

[hopefulnebula]

Aw, if that's her in your icon, she's awfully cute. What a smile.

[mme-furiosa.livejournal.com]

Wow, what a terrific fear to harbor. I'm sure it will serve you both extemely well. Anyone who is not afraid of being a bad parent is probably not putting enough thought into it, methinks.

[wherdafux-d-cat.livejournal.com]

Next on the list of things that terrify me will be her going to kindergarten and then to school but it is something I know that she should do. And I am sure that something will come along to replace that fear.

I'm completely (and happily) missing the 'mommy' gene but from what I've heard from friends and co-workers over the years, this is spot on. :) (This is also my favorite part of this entry.)

[sircaliban.livejournal.com]

There is a lot screwed up about our world but there is more that is wonderful and magical.

I agree.