puppetmaker | Entries tagged with introspection

One gains various titles or words that get attached to them through out one’s life. These can be gained by doing something, learning something, or not doing something.

We all walk around with these invisible word clouds surrounding us.

Some words go away because we have changed or people don’t perceive that about us any more.

I haven’t been thought of as a toddler in decades.

There are words we call ourselves and those have a lot to do with how we perceive ourselves.

There is an exercise that I first did in an acting class where you sit in front of someone who says “You are” and you say the first thing that comes into your head. You do this about ten times. Then you do the same for the other person.

It is interesting how the words change over time.

Stage Manager use to be the word that came up first because that is how I saw myself.

Puppeteer was usually second and usually still is.

Mom went to the first spot when Caroline was born. It got moved to the second spot last year when I added Caregiver to the list of things I have done in my life. Honestly I think they were neck and neck for most of last year.

Stage Manager still floats in there somewhere. It is still such a part of me.

Artist didn’t kick in until I was almost in my mid 20s. I just didn’t see building puppets as art.

Editor was acquired when I worked at Del Rey.

Writer is one that I have enjoyed acquiring.

Smart is one that has always been on the list.

Giving is another that has been on the list for a while. That came from someone else telling me that I was a very giving person in the good sense of the word.

Grateful has been on the list for a long time because there is so much I am grateful for.

That would be the current 10 for today but they can change with the day and the task as needed.

I am grateful for things that help me cope with that which I cannot change but desperately want to.

Come over here. That’s right. * Twap * What is wrong with you? Seriously!?!?

The past month or so I can’t swing a sehlat without hitting some group of fans upset about something and swearing to “do something about it” including “never watching again”. And the perpetual “they are ruining our show” is echoing a lot right now too. I think part of it is that the new fall season is about to start and people are antsy about things that they have discussed/fantasized about all summer.

Most recently were the promo photos that ABC pulled from the third season of Once Upon a Time. Yes, they were a little rough but I was enjoying them. The group shot looked like the group shot they did last year and the year before for the show but it is being compared to LOST. Guess what kids, the guys who are running this show are the same guys who did LOST but the comparisons really stop there other than some really solid character arcs and storytelling. And frankly I was revamping Mr. Gold’s costume to reflect what I was seeing in the photo which I can’t do now because the photos got pulled because of a vocal minority.

Then there are the pitch and pitchforks that are going after “Star Trek: Into Darkness”. To the point where the actors are coming in to defend the film that they enjoyed working on. It is not the worst Star Trek film of all time. I am not saying it is the best but woe betide you if you admit that you liked it because apparently then you are wrong about everything in the world. And then there are the Star Wars fans that are in a sheer panic because JJ Abrams has been handed the keys to that kingdom as well. Original Star Trek isn’t vanishing off the planet because of the new franchise nor will original Star Wars.

There is the kerfuffle about Mr. Affleck and Batman. Which I heard back in 1988 when it was announced that Michael Keaton was tapped to play the cape crusader. That film and his performance changed the superhero movie forever. Like your dark superhero films? Thank Tim Burton and Michael Keaton. Interestingly Mr. Nicholson’s performance as the Joker was never questioned at the time. But Heath Ledger was bashed right out of the gate and for many his became the definitive Joker. Yes, these changes aren’t all gems but I would plea for people to give it a chance.

Supernatural has been a fan whining magnet. They always seem to complain that the creators don’t understand the characters. They don’t give them what they want and if they do, then the complaints about “that’s not what I meant” or “no I didn’t want this” fall from the lips of the same people who were clamoring for the thing that they got. I have to say that the writers have been very clever in the way they have responded to the fans with some rather tongue in cheek. I think Chuck is one of my favorite characters in the city with Charlie a close second.

I am not going to even get into X-men Days of Future Past.

I am not saying that I have never rolled my eye or said ‘oh come on’ from an announcement/spoiler from a show. However I have never started a petition to get someone fired from their job or get a show to do what I want. I have never boycotted or asked other to boycott a show because I don’t like what they did.

Give the creators a chance to tell their stories. If fans want to tell theirs, they have options to do so. Just don’t get upset when something that you wrote gets used in a show or movie and try to sue the creators of the show for using your idea. They aren’t reading your fanfic, you just happen to be thinking along the same lines that they are and they are the ones that laid the pipework that brought you to your conclusion.

The noise of a minority is causing a majority to go silent because they don’t want that sort of vitriol directed at them. And I find that a sad state of fandom.

I am grateful for fans that are willing to give things a chance and allow other fans to have different opinions.

There are times in my life when I try my hardest and do everything that I need to do and it is not enough. Those are probably some of the most frustrating times for me.

When things happen that are totally out of my control it can be very maddening.

I am a pretty trusting individual. I tend to take people at face value and let their actions inform me of the kind of person they are. For me actions speak louder than words and have done so for many years. I know Peter loves me because not only does he say it to me but he does things for me and takes care of things for me which show me how much he does love me. He knows me very well and I know him very well.

To lose my trust takes quite a bit since I tend to be a benefit of the doubt kind of person as well, but it has happened in the past. And once my trust is lost, it can be hard to get it back but not impossible. I do believe that people can change.

I learned the hard way that not everyone on the planet is going to be one’s friend or even friendly, but there are ways to work with them on a professional level even if one doesn’t think much of them on a personal level. There are also those people who may be screaming for something that was done but the reason they are screaming has nothing to do with that but something else entirely.

I learned to admit my mistakes. If I screw up I will own up to it rather than trying to deflect the blame/disappointment. That was another hard lesson to learn but it made it easier when someone was yelling at me and I knew it was not my fault and they knew it too but they needed to yell.

I have been a little frustrated recently at several things that are going on around me. None of which I have any real control over so I get to sit on the sidelines and hope that everything shakes down soon. I really get angry at myself when I can’t figure out how I can help but I can also realize when anything I try to do is going to make things worse.

And I am a little frustrated with myself. I have been letting things get to me that shouldn’t be of any worry to me and that has led to my not doing some other things I probably should be doing. I am falling behind on some stuff I wanted to do and a couple of deadlines are seriously looming over my head. So I need to kind of clear everything thing out that I can’t change and work with what I can. And, of course, the wisdom to know the difference.

I am grateful for situations that change for the better.

This week Peter is in Canada and I am a temporary single parent of a nine year old who is probably going to be a lawyer when she grows up or may be a large animal veterinarian.

My hat is off to all the single parents of the world. Being the only one around with the responsibility for another human life is a daunting task but one I embrace with both hands. Plus Caroline is a really good hugger.

It is amazing to me how much my life changed almost 10 years ago. I went from being a step-mom to being a mom the minute they put her on my chest. My whole world shifted in an instant. Before that even though I was pregnant, a child was still sort of academic but that changes when one gets to hold that child after some of the most uncomfortable time in my life but it was all worth it.

Caroline’s birth also changed how others perceived me. I think a number of Peter’s friends didn’t really accept me until that point. They were concerned that I might be someone who was only attracted to Peter because of his status. But having a child together cemented that we were committed to each other. In the eyes of my neighbors I changed from step-mom of the David kids to a mother. I joined a club that I didn’t know really existed until that point.

Now I walk Caroline to the bus stop and talk to the other parents about all kinds of things. I participate in things at her school including the PTA and volunteering at her school’s library. The kids know me at that school by one of two, if not both, names. To some I am Mrs. David but to a lot of the children I am known as Caroline’s Mom and get called such. I really don’t mind the title at all.

Parenting is not easy. I seconded guess myself on a lot of things but I try to stick to my guns when I have drawn a line in the sand. I worry about her health and eating habits. I worry about how she is treated in school. We recently had an incident of her being told that she is not fashionable which lead to a whole “thing” about how I don’t let her express her fashion sense. I try to make sure that she get exercise and play time. I kiss the boo-boos and clip her nails. I worry about how she is going to do in the world but Caroline has proven that she is of pretty sturdy stuff. They labeled her a weirdo and she embraced her inner-weirdo. She knows that things are a little different in her life than in other kids lives. We do have the self-doubts but she tends to work through them.

But I do enjoy being Caroline’s mom. She gives me perspective and a glimpse into things I had forgotten that I did/enjoyed as a kid. She trusts me to be there for her and take care of her and I don’t want to let her down. I love her so much and I want to be the best parent I can be for her.

I am grateful that I am Caroline’s Mom.

I find as a read and I hear things, certain words and phrases seem to pop up and catch my attention. This week the phrase was Inner Child.

Apparently Jung quantified the concept of the Divine Child as an archetype. Depend on who you read, this is a bad thing to have or a good thing to have and we all have it.

“Let your inner child out and play” was the theme to an art book I was reading. I can’t remember the title but it written for those who felt blocked or uncreative. The gist of the work was that everyone was creative, you just had to figure out how to get or recognize your creative force. It also suggested that you go on play dates with your inner child. I have to say that the image I got in my head from that one gave me a really good giggle.

My inner child is health and pretty happy. And it doesn’t stay inner that much to me. I have found that I still feel like I did as a kid in certain situations, I just learned how to deal with my feelings and the situations over time. I guess that is called growing up.

I still play with toys but now I create the toys I play with. I get a warm fuzzy feeling inside when I do something that I think is pretty incredible and then some one else affirms what I did was pretty incredible. I get angry and sad but most of the temper tantrum is within rather than without.

I do wonder how much Caroline has helped my inner child to stick around. Having a kid makes one both remember things when one was a kid and get to try new things because you have a kid.

But honestly, I think Peter and I would be going to toy stores and kids movies on our own. Just the way we are wired. I have been going to toy stores with friends for years. We mostly browsed but there were times we were looking for toys for us (which is what Caroline called Toys R Us for years). I remember almost getting kicked out of a toy store when a friend and I came across Magic Earring Ken and couldn’t stop laughing. About a month later Magic Earring Kens became hard to find as they had become a gay icon for the reasons that had us almost on the floor in hysterics.

Society has changed to where an adult buying toys for themselves isn’t as strange as it was many years ago. Now they can buy limited edition exclusives of toys they had as kids. Look at San Diego Comic Con and the speculators market for examples of this. Personally here in this household, if it is a toy then it comes out of the packaging and is play with.

I think that society has changed allowing adults to act more like children. I prefer to think of it as society allowing us to be more like us rather than the social ideal whatever that is at the time. We don’t have to hide behind doors of a club or social club to play. We do it out in the open and freely. Which I think is a good thing for us as human beings.

My inner child is healthy and happy and has plenty of other inner children to play with. I married someone else who believe that it is healthy to let one’s imagination roams and play with the possibilities. We have a child who is encouraged to think what if. Our friends have healthy inner children as well that they express in so many different ways.

I am grateful for my inner child’s health.

I read a lot of stuff on the Internet. Sometimes I wander off and read what others point out to me. Other times I find stuff on my own. There are a couple of newsletters I take a quick look through to see if anything interests me. If so I go read in more detail.

Recently I read through a couple of mental health articles in different places that had about the same conclusion, positive thinking doesn’t work for everyone. And that made me feel better about being me. I have known for a long time that positive thinking only gets me so far before niggling doubts about the positive thing I am thinking about.

I think it goes to that everyone is different and reacts to different stimuli in different ways.

For me cleaning is a form of meditation but it doesn’t work all the time. I also find myself cleaning when I am seriously angry and don’t really have any other outlet for my fury. So there is a weird dichotomy there.

One of the articles had some suggestions about other things to try when one ends up in that downward spiral looped thinking which I find myself doing. One is to list 5 things that make you happy right there and then. It will change as time and circumstances change but it does make one stop and take another look at ones life.

The other thing I was glad that the article emphasized was that feeling sad or down is not a bad thing. There are occasions in life that not feeling totally happy is the right response to the situation. Which makes me less guilty when I do feel down and there is a real reason for it. I honestly don’t think we were suppose to be happy 24/7. It would be nice but it is not that practical. My goal is even keel which works well for me.

Another article did a good job of pointing out that we are not cookie cutter people. Each person has ways of dealing with things that work for them. There are techniques that can be taught, like time management and organizational skills, that can help but one needs to find what works for them.

One of the reason I started the grateful line in my blog was to remind myself what I do have even when the walls seems to be tumbling around me. And sometimes it can seem kinda stupid to me to be thankful for say peas but I like peas. I enjoy eating them and they are one of my comfort foods especially frozen. What I have come to realize over the years is that there is nothing stupid about being grateful for something. It means something to me and it makes me feel better maybe about myself or my situation. Right now the challenge is trying not to repeat myself.

So I think what I am saying is find what works for you. It may make no sense to anyone else but if it makes you feel better, then it works right?

I am grateful for articles that make me think and give me useful information.

I have been thinking about a lot of different things this week. Some of it connects to things that happened at New York Comic Con and DragonCon. Some of it is connected to things that have been going on at Casa David.

Kung Fu Panda was on the other day. And the first line I heard was “Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it is called the present.” I have always liked that line. It is part of a larger quote but this is the part that sings to me. Living in the now is not a bad thing to do.

I know a number of you love my tag line where I express something I am grateful for each day. Sometimes it is directly tied into what I am writing about and other times it is things that are on my mind. And, yes, there are days that it is hard to come up with something to be grateful for but I dig down and really examine my life to find something that I am grateful for.

I have been told I am a positive person. I like to encourage others to follow their dreams and hopes. I am a big cheerleader for others and I am happy when I see others achieve those things that are close to their hearts. I know I have been incredibly lucky and blessed that I have been able to achieve things that I have wanted to do. I haven’t achieved everything and what I want to achieve changes as my life changes.

I also put a copy of Plato’s Apology, which is Plato’s account of the trial and death of Socrates, on my iPad. From which my eye went over “a life unexamined is not worth living”. Which is what got me on this Introspection.

Some of you may remember that I was a history major for my undergraduate degree. Probably many of you didn’t know that. I was told by a wise professor that undergrad was going to be the only time that I could explore what I wanted to learn rather than when I need to learn for a job. So I took that to heart and did a lot of different courses in a lot of different fields just so I would have some knowledge of various subjects.

Those who have known me longer than that can attest to the fact that I tend to find a subject or an author interesting and I will go into research mode and read all I can on that subject. And that has served me well over the years because I have a screwy brain that researches very well and retains what it reads over time. May not be able to do a direct word for word quotes but I have all the ideas in my head. And I play with those ideas. That’s why I like math. I can play with Math in my head and due to my dyslexia, Math always made more sense than spelling to me.

Back to Plato, I have been examining my life recently. Some stuff happened that got me looking back and looking forward and I feel like I am losing the now which is probably where I need to concentrate. I wasted some really great opportunities in the past couple of years that might have me in a very different place. So I am resolving to use the new opportunities that have cropped up and stop wasting what the universe is giving me chances at. I have to stop being afraid of succeeding or failing spectacularly. I have succeed and failed at things so many time in my life, I really should be over the butterflies I find myself having still as I show off new art or a new writing to someone. I can take criticism. I had to learn how to and it was a hard lesson but a very useful one.

So one foot in the front of the other and move forward. I need to live in the now right now.

I am grateful that Peter has always given me his honest opinion and never sugar coated it.

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Page Summary

Introspection (8th in a series)
Dear Fandom, may I have a word?
Introspection: When It Just Isn't Enough
Introspection (4th in a Series)
Introspection (Third in an occasional series)
Introspection (Second in an occasional series)
Introspection (First in an occasional series)

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Journeys of a Puppetmaker

Entries tagged with introspection

Introspection (8th in a series)

Dear Fandom, may I have a word?

Introspection: When It Just Isn't Enough

Introspection (4th in a Series)

Introspection (Third in an occasional series)

Introspection (Second in an occasional series)

Introspection (First in an occasional series)