Mom Always Liked You Best
Oct. 9th, 2011 11:37 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
puppetmakerThere was an article in the Time Magazine (Oct 3rd 2011) written about the unspoken and sometimes spoken favoritism of a child when there are more than one children in the family. I read the whole article and it bothered me that the article went from the assumption that there IS a favorite child and if you don’t believe that, you are lying to yourself and your children.
Nope, not buying it. They tried to attach it to evolution and survival of the fittest which was a shaky part of the article at best.
I grew up with two brothers and one sister. My parents did favor us but for different things. My parents didn’t believe in cookie-cutter parenting. They learned that what works for one kid may have absolutely no effect on the other. They knew that we were not little versions of them and let us develop our own likes and dislikes with a little guidance from them.
I can still remember a conversation I had with my mother when I was an older teenager about something that Sean got that I had wanted as well but Sean had earned it by modifying behavior. Yes I did use the words “You like him best” and my mother said “No, we like him differently. We love you all but we have to treat each of you as you not your siblings.” That caught me up short and gave me a lot to think about.
(Another version of this I still use on my kids which my parents said after we yelled “But So and So can do it!” “Well we aren’t So and So’s parents but we are yours and we say no.” But I digress.)
Children are individuals and they respond to things in their own way. You learn what works and what doesn’t work with your kids. Some work better on a reward system and others on an organizational chart or some with both. You learn their personalities and their likes and dislikes about the time that they are sorting it out for themselves.
I do know there are individual cases of favoritism in families. I am not saying that this doesn’t exist. But to paint all family with the same brush and insisting that all parents have favorites smacks of a journalist with some issues of their own that they need to deal with. Give parents a little credit here.
I am grateful that I did learn that lesson from my folks when I did.
Nope, not buying it. They tried to attach it to evolution and survival of the fittest which was a shaky part of the article at best.
I grew up with two brothers and one sister. My parents did favor us but for different things. My parents didn’t believe in cookie-cutter parenting. They learned that what works for one kid may have absolutely no effect on the other. They knew that we were not little versions of them and let us develop our own likes and dislikes with a little guidance from them.
I can still remember a conversation I had with my mother when I was an older teenager about something that Sean got that I had wanted as well but Sean had earned it by modifying behavior. Yes I did use the words “You like him best” and my mother said “No, we like him differently. We love you all but we have to treat each of you as you not your siblings.” That caught me up short and gave me a lot to think about.
(Another version of this I still use on my kids which my parents said after we yelled “But So and So can do it!” “Well we aren’t So and So’s parents but we are yours and we say no.” But I digress.)
Children are individuals and they respond to things in their own way. You learn what works and what doesn’t work with your kids. Some work better on a reward system and others on an organizational chart or some with both. You learn their personalities and their likes and dislikes about the time that they are sorting it out for themselves.
I do know there are individual cases of favoritism in families. I am not saying that this doesn’t exist. But to paint all family with the same brush and insisting that all parents have favorites smacks of a journalist with some issues of their own that they need to deal with. Give parents a little credit here.
I am grateful that I did learn that lesson from my folks when I did.
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no subject
Date: 2011-10-09 05:13 pm (UTC)The thing that bothered me even more was the author stating this is universal and then tried to back it up with examples in nature.
You might point out to your daughter that if she carefully reads the article, she can see for herself that the author has one heck of an agenda.
no subject
Date: 2011-10-10 12:47 am (UTC)How many kids do you have? I know you mention a daughter sometimes..
no subject
Date: 2011-10-10 01:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-10 03:51 am (UTC)I have three children: one daughter and two boys. I adore my children, would walk through hell for my children. But they are completely individuals and what worked with one would definately not work with another.
Doesn't mean I love any of them less. Just, as you said, differently.
(also, new here! friended you after this year's Dragon*Con, simply because you judge the Friday Night Costume Contest, which I entered [stupidly or bravely, take your choice] a few years back)
no subject
Date: 2011-10-10 12:42 pm (UTC)I'd say bravely. That contest is one of the best for the class of workmanship that enters it. Every year it gets harder and harder to judge because everyone keeps stepping up their game.
Children are individuals from the day they are born. I guess because of how I was raised, I have a hard time wrapping myself around the notion of one size fit all.
no subject
Date: 2011-10-10 12:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-10 12:39 pm (UTC)I know I was very lucky with my parents and I am thankful every day that they are my parents. I am also very proud of them and what they have accomplished even with raising 4 rather precocious and very individual children.