puppetmaker | LJ Idol 4 Week 20: 1 in 4

Monday Peter and I got one of our very rare lunches out by ourselves because school was out. He and I kicked around some topics for LJ Idol. A couple of good ones I had already written out so those when into the discard pile. A couple I felt I had covered enough on my blog over time that I had done them to death.

Then he brought something up that I have been avoiding thinking about for a while because even after a year the wound is still raw. Just the thought brings tears to my eyes and pain in my heart. It is probably why I have been in such a funk recently because just at the corner of my mind it sits waiting for me to look at it again.

On March 7th, 2007, I started having my period but it was rather heavy and a lot of clots. I was going through pads at an incredible rate. On March 8th I went to see my Ob-Gyn because the bleeding was not slowing down. They took a look at me and sent me to the hospital emergency room. I continued to bleed and drop clots. I had no idea what was going on and I was scared. Peter was there with me the whole time.

The doctor came in after my blood work came back and informed me that I was having a miscarriage for a pregnancy I didn't even know I was carrying. My world just shattered. I had to deal with both being pregnant and not being pregnant all at the same time. Peter was there to hold me while I sobbed for the child I would never have that I didn't even know about until right then.

Miscarriage is not talked about but happens to so many people and affects so many too. The statistic is that one in four pregnancies end in miscarriage and this may be much higher because many times it is considered a heavy period or the cycle being off since the woman doesn't even know that she is pregnant. Peter and I were amazed at the response we got from our communities both online and offline. We gave people a platform to talk about something that doesn't get talked about often except in hushed whispers. I still hear from people who thank me for being so open about what happened to me so they can show it others to help them see that it is not their fault. It happens to other people too.

That night was not the end of it. I carried around a piece of that child for another 2 and half months before I finally had a D&C to get rid of part of the egg sac and the placenta which had firmly staying in place. The long they were there, the more chance that when it did separate I would have serious hemorrhaging and other complications.

If I had the child, he or she would be about 3 months old now. Caroline would be dealing with having someone younger than her around the house. I think the cats would have rolled their eyes and said Oh no. Not again. Ariel would have two younger siblings to deal with rather than the one. I might even be getting some sleep again because those first few months can be rather trying. There would be diapers and messes to clean up. But there would be smiles and baby firsts too.

But I don't have that child. I just have a hole where something might have been. I know that it was not my fault that I lost it. Heck I didn't even know I had something to lose until it was lost. And the question becomes would it have been better to know before hand that I was pregnant and then not or am I better off the way that it happened. Each has its pluses and minuses.

It is hard to figure out how to mourn that which was not known until it was gone. But I do mourn. I mourn for what could have been. It would not have been easy to fit another kid in the house, but we would have found a way to do it. I mourn for the loss of possibility and potential that never had a chance. But I feel guilty for still feeling this way. It had been a year and I didn't know until after the fact.

It would have been hard to have another child. Peter would have been in his late 60s before this kid would be an adult. We have the room but we would have had to redo a good chunk of the bedrooms to make a room for it. Caroline is starting school this fall and my schedule will allow me to do more than I can do now. A child would have just put that day off another 5 or 6 years. Then there is the expense of raising a child. We have one going to college in less than a year and half.

But the ghost of the child, I believe he was a boy, still hovers just in the corner of my sight coloring my world with what could have been and it still bring tears to my eyes and pain to my heart.