Mental Health Week: It does get better

Here’s the thing about depression. It lies to you constantly. It whispers in your ear all kinds of things that make you feel bad about yourself. Why can’t you do better? When are they going to figure out that you are a fraud? What’s the point? Really what’s the point? Look at the world around you, how do you think you even matter?

You can find yourself so totally wrapped in your brain in a downward spiral.

It took me a long time to be able to say that I am a good writer. I can build the hell out of puppets. I can do so many amazing things that seem to impress others. And I think I am a decent parent to Caroline. I have things to say and knowledge to impart. I love educating people about things that they didn’t know or thought they knew.

I didn’t think of myself as an artist until I was in my mid to late 20s. I thought what I did was crafty but not art. I down played my abilities because I didn’t feel worthy of the title of ‘artist’. It was a fellow artist who’s work I admired greatly that changed my thinking on that. He flat out told me that I was an artist and I needed to accept that fact rather than running from it. He was right and ever since I have looked at what I do as art.

Maybe part of it is getting older and not really caring anymore what the general population thinks of me. I care about what my friends and family think of me. I swear the minute I realized that I didn’t have to make everyone happy was one of the biggest weight off my shoulders and very freeing. I had to do my job to the best of my abilities but I was not going to be able to make the world happy. There would be people who would never be happy with me or my work and that’s not on me. They seem to love to dwell in the blame game of how I screwed up their lives.

I have gotten to a point where I am pretty comfortable in my own skin. I know who I am. It took me a very long time to get to this point with a lot of questioning and doubting.

It got better for me. When I was at my worst, I thought no one would ever love me. I would never be able to accomplish anything worthwhile in my life. I didn’t see the point of taking up space and valuable resources on a planet where I didn't belong. I would see others doing amazing things and wonder why I would even try.

But now I can see how my life both good and bad has led me to where I am today. Some of what I felt were my biggest missed opportunities and failures turned out to be the stepping stones to how my life has gone. If I had done X then I would not be here.

I got help that allowed me to see that those voices were not right about me. Getting help is not weakness but strength. Strength to recognize that one needs help to get out of the dark pit of despair and back to what they should be doing.

I am grateful that I am still standing.