Suicide I survived
Jun. 10th, 2018 10:36 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
puppetmakerWarning: Behind the cut is an essay about suicide, depression, and other topics that aren’t particularly happy or fun.
I found out the other day that a buddy of mine who I knew was going through a bit of a rough patch took his car and went right into a large tree. Now the road conditions were not the best due to the rain that had been falling off and on the past couple of days but the police told his husband that there were no skid marks. There was no evidence that he tried to stop. His husband is left with the knowledge that his partner killed himself by car.
This was a case where my friend had been struggling with depression and anxiety. He had medical help. People reached out and checked in with him to make sure he was OK. His husband knew what signs to look for and was a bit concerned about some things that had happened but everything seemed all right.
Whatever demon that caused him to kill himself is something that we are never going to know.
And that’s the thing about suicide. Sometimes there is no stopping it, which is sad but true.
Recently the CDC posted a report that we have seen 25% to 30% increase in death by suicide. It is one of the three fastest rising forms of death here in the United States.
We have seen two suicides of people who seem to have it all within the past week. Leaving people to wonder what happened.
Back in the late 1980s I was working on my MFA at the Yale School of Drama or as we referred to it jokingly the Yale School of Trauma. It was an intense program that tested us both physically and mentally. I felt perpetually behind the 8-ball practically from the time I stepped on the campus.
There was a show I was working on at the Rep with my mentor that was not going too well. The rehearsal was a horror show and the director was a nightmare of resentment that he hadn’t gotten to Broadway but he was going to do it on our backs if he had to.
I got yelled at for a mistake I owed up to and was in the doghouse. I didn’t think it was fair that I had become everyone’s whipping boy. To top it off, I had been told I would be not doing the run of the show but replaced and sent onto another project for reasons that I never got a straight answer on.
It was a downward spiral that keep going to down to where I was wondering where bottom was. Then I found it in the form of a pallet knife that I tried to use to slash my wrists. It was bloody and I still have some faint scars from it but I was lucky that the damn thing was dull so that I didn’t managed to really cut something that I needed to live.
I got help. I got on medication that made me realize that things were not as bad as I thought they were. The world leveled out and I could function again.
If I had succeeded, they would have had a hard time getting the blood out of the carpet in the tiny Stage Management office to begin with and it was a very nice oriental carpet that had been there a while.
But there is so much more that I have done since then that I would not have experienced.
I would not have gone to all the conventions I have been to and made all the lovely friends I have made over the years at conventions.
I would not have been able to read Harry Potter (Ok this one is on my mind because we just saw the 8th book on stage this past week). But there is a lot of really good literature that I would not have read.
I would not have gotten to see a Dr. Strange movie done right. Heck I would not have seen any Marvel film done really right. I would have missed out on the rest of Star Wars. There are so many TV shows and films that I have enjoyed that I would not have if I weren’t around. Not to mention the comic books and friends I have met through comic books.
I would not be as widely traveled as I am now. I would not have gone to Australia and New Zealand and seen Hobbiton (pre the Hobbit) or the fairy penguins or had a Tim Tam. I would not have gone to various conventions in South America and Central America and climbed the pyramids of the Sun and the Moon.
There are so many puppets that would not have been built or performed with or costumes made or dolls created. All the people I have met through my puppets would have never known me.
I would not have met Peter and all the adventures that have come out of having met him.
And the big one, there would be no Caroline in the world. And I can’t fathom that.
My life is not perfect but it is really good and I am happy with it.
The only thing that stopped me was a dull blade for which I will always be grateful.
That’s my story. That is why I am glad that I did survive.
At the time I could not see how I would get out of the pit of despair I found myself in but with help I did find my way back to more of an even keel.
I hope this helps someone either now or down the road. We say that it will be better and that seems a bit abstract. I can say that for me it did get better so take that as you will.
I am grateful that Caroline exists.
I found out the other day that a buddy of mine who I knew was going through a bit of a rough patch took his car and went right into a large tree. Now the road conditions were not the best due to the rain that had been falling off and on the past couple of days but the police told his husband that there were no skid marks. There was no evidence that he tried to stop. His husband is left with the knowledge that his partner killed himself by car.
This was a case where my friend had been struggling with depression and anxiety. He had medical help. People reached out and checked in with him to make sure he was OK. His husband knew what signs to look for and was a bit concerned about some things that had happened but everything seemed all right.
Whatever demon that caused him to kill himself is something that we are never going to know.
And that’s the thing about suicide. Sometimes there is no stopping it, which is sad but true.
Recently the CDC posted a report that we have seen 25% to 30% increase in death by suicide. It is one of the three fastest rising forms of death here in the United States.
We have seen two suicides of people who seem to have it all within the past week. Leaving people to wonder what happened.
Back in the late 1980s I was working on my MFA at the Yale School of Drama or as we referred to it jokingly the Yale School of Trauma. It was an intense program that tested us both physically and mentally. I felt perpetually behind the 8-ball practically from the time I stepped on the campus.
There was a show I was working on at the Rep with my mentor that was not going too well. The rehearsal was a horror show and the director was a nightmare of resentment that he hadn’t gotten to Broadway but he was going to do it on our backs if he had to.
I got yelled at for a mistake I owed up to and was in the doghouse. I didn’t think it was fair that I had become everyone’s whipping boy. To top it off, I had been told I would be not doing the run of the show but replaced and sent onto another project for reasons that I never got a straight answer on.
It was a downward spiral that keep going to down to where I was wondering where bottom was. Then I found it in the form of a pallet knife that I tried to use to slash my wrists. It was bloody and I still have some faint scars from it but I was lucky that the damn thing was dull so that I didn’t managed to really cut something that I needed to live.
I got help. I got on medication that made me realize that things were not as bad as I thought they were. The world leveled out and I could function again.
If I had succeeded, they would have had a hard time getting the blood out of the carpet in the tiny Stage Management office to begin with and it was a very nice oriental carpet that had been there a while.
But there is so much more that I have done since then that I would not have experienced.
I would not have gone to all the conventions I have been to and made all the lovely friends I have made over the years at conventions.
I would not have been able to read Harry Potter (Ok this one is on my mind because we just saw the 8th book on stage this past week). But there is a lot of really good literature that I would not have read.
I would not have gotten to see a Dr. Strange movie done right. Heck I would not have seen any Marvel film done really right. I would have missed out on the rest of Star Wars. There are so many TV shows and films that I have enjoyed that I would not have if I weren’t around. Not to mention the comic books and friends I have met through comic books.
I would not be as widely traveled as I am now. I would not have gone to Australia and New Zealand and seen Hobbiton (pre the Hobbit) or the fairy penguins or had a Tim Tam. I would not have gone to various conventions in South America and Central America and climbed the pyramids of the Sun and the Moon.
There are so many puppets that would not have been built or performed with or costumes made or dolls created. All the people I have met through my puppets would have never known me.
I would not have met Peter and all the adventures that have come out of having met him.
And the big one, there would be no Caroline in the world. And I can’t fathom that.
My life is not perfect but it is really good and I am happy with it.
The only thing that stopped me was a dull blade for which I will always be grateful.
That’s my story. That is why I am glad that I did survive.
At the time I could not see how I would get out of the pit of despair I found myself in but with help I did find my way back to more of an even keel.
I hope this helps someone either now or down the road. We say that it will be better and that seems a bit abstract. I can say that for me it did get better so take that as you will.
I am grateful that Caroline exists.
