puppetmaker | Misconceptions

Warning for frank discussion of depression and other topics including a miscarriage and suicide attempts.

Trying to make sure people feel like they can read this blog but I want to make sure I don’t give someone the return to bad memories so going behind a cut here.

Ok if you are reading this far, I will assume that you will read the whole thing but if it starts to hit the wrong buttons, back out with no harm or foul on either of our parts.

I am amazed at what I read online sometimes from other people dealing with mental illness having to list out the things that they would prefer people not to do. In many cases it is just the person venting their frustrations to their friends especially on Facebook or Tumblr. Sometimes all you want to do is scream at it all and really have nowhere to do so except on the Internet.

Right now I have a friend who is dealing with their child being in the hospital after a failed suicide attempt. He is going over everything trying to figure out what he did wrong or what he missed. I told him that he’s a great dad and he didn’t really miss anything or do anything wrong. Depressed people can be really skilled at putting on a happy mask for those on the outside while tearing themselves up on the inside. His child has some issues to work through and, thank goodness, is still around to deal with these issues.

I can say that when I was in a depressive episode I had a system to keep my public face as normal as possible. It wasn’t perfect because there were hints that not everything was as it seemed but it worked well enough because afterwards when I was coming out of it, people said they didn’t know I had been dealing with such severe depression.

And there is a misconception that if you are depressed, then you must be sad all the time so since they saw you laugh or smile or seeming to have to good time then you must not be really depressed. News flash, you can still feel happy about something while being depressed. Sometimes those moments of normal feeling can be more painful because you know it is just a fix point in time.

I describe my depressive episodes as numb with a side of anger. I do feel melancholy as well but more often than not it is just going through the motions of my day to day life with me being angry at myself that I am not doing more. Once I find myself spiraling down from that I have learned to start to think about things a little differently. I give myself points for each thing that I do. There are points for just getting up and starting the day rather than spending it in bed. Points for basic hygiene like brushing my teeth or changing my clothes. Points for getting it together and exercising. Points for not spending the entire day on the Internet. As I can see that I am doing all the things I need to do like housework and dishes, then I fell better about what I am not getting done because at least I am doing something. And I keep doing that until I don’t need the prodding to get these simple tasks done.

I am happier if I can do this without chemical help but there have been times in my life I would have not made it without some help to get my brain to quiet down a bit.

Something that has been angering me because of what happened to me is these ‘laws’ about miscarriages having to be buried now. I honestly don’t know how many miscarriages I had before I got pregnant with Caroline. I do now know that I had a couple because of what happened after her. She was just over a year when I had a miscarriage for a child I didn’t know I was carrying. I was on the pill but had taken a strong antibiotic to get rid of a sinus/lung infection. I know now that antibiotics can cancel out the effects of birth control pills.

I have always had a weird cycle since I started that time of the month which for me was never steady until I started using the pill. The reason I went on the pill was to help my cycle to come to something normal without the pain and agony that it had become. So yet another news flash, the pill can be medicine to help a woman with their cycle and it has chuck all to do with birth control but more about body control. Skipping a period would still happen on occasion even if I was on the pill. This usually happened going from fall to winter and spring to summer.

I started my period like what is normal for me but a little on the heavy side. After a couple of days it just got worse. Then one day I was going through a pad every half hour or so. I was feeling weak and tired. The clots were getting bigger and then there was one that looked like a very small fetus which I flushed down the toilet. I went to my OB/GYN who immediately sent me to the hospital. It was in the hospital that I learned with in 30 second of each phrase that I had been pregnant and was now going through a miscarriage. One of the hardest days of my life.

But it didn’t end there. Because apparently something tore and I was hemorrhaging for another two weeks, I had to get what ever was still in my uterus out and make sure there was no serious damage to it. So another trip to the hospital and another procedure to make sure I would still be alive for my child.

It was after that my OB/GYN told me he was rather amazed that I had been able to carry Caroline to term considering the condition of my uterus.

Today is shaping up not to be a good hand day. They are shaking and things are getting dropped or a hand spasm is flinging things. Which is not helping my mood much. I know I will get over it and this is not the permanent state of my body yet. It is when the gross motor skills are on the fritz that I become most frustrated. I do what I can to counter what my body is trying to do and have degrees of success but I will take my victories where I can. The biggest problem with this whole thing is that people are concerned when they see me shaking like a leaf but there is chuck all that can be done. I appreciate that they want to help but there is not much they can do. The staff at my local YMCA knows me and knows my condition so they tell others who come up and tell the staff about me that they know and I am fine although there are a couple who do a quick check to make sure I am OK. And like I have told a number of people this condition does not take one second off my life. It is life annoying not life threatening. Like right now I am annoyed at how long this has taken me to type this entry up. Probably twice as long as usual due to unintended keystrokes which make for some really funny auto-corrections.

There are other misconceptions that I am annoyed about right now but I don’t have the time or the energy to get to them right now since I do have a list I am working through today.

Thank you for reading through this. It wasn’t easy to write but I am glad that I did. I hope you learned something from it.

I am grateful when I can educate someone about something.