The Black Dog that sits on my chest
Sep. 13th, 2015 10:30 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
puppetmakerThis past week was, apparently, National Suicide prevention week.
What follows is a rather frank essay about depression and me. I know everyone’s lives are different and how we deal with things are different. This is about how I feel and handle things. I am putting it under a cut so that I don’t cause others pain or trigger anything.
I have stated here before that I have had to deal with some serious bouts of depression. I have been treated for depression on several occasions both with therapy and medication. And I have tried to end myself and, obviously, didn’t succeed.
Now I am in a much better place and I can recognize the signs that I am slipping back into a depressive state and take the steps that work for me to bring myself out of it.
Does it work all the time? No, but I can work myself back to a point where I am able to deal with the world and the people in it even if I am not feeling myself.
A number of people over the years have said to me that they had no idea that I was depressed. Over the years I have gotten very good at hiding it. I have a public face that I take out and put on when out and about but it can be the times away from everyone else that I find myself wondering how I am going to make it to the next day.
I don’t remember where I first read or heard about the idea of imagining depression as a black dog sitting on someone’s chest and following them around nipping at their heels. That works for me. In a syndicated comic strip entitled Rose is Rose, Rose has what she calls the dungeon of resentment but it seems to me to be more than that as the strip went on and I can see myself slipping sometimes into a pit of despair which looks a lot like her dungeon of resentment.
We don’t talk about mental illness the way that we use to not talk about cancer or divorce or a slew of topics that are discussed now. It is still in the shadows talked about in whispers.
For years I didn’t talk about depression because I was warned that it could very well keep me from getting a job. If I were mentally unbalanced then employers would not hire me. Past mental breakdowns would keep me from being able to do things in the future. And I think that thinking is wrong. I can’t tell you many people I know who have had problems with depression or other mental health issues that are doing just fine at their jobs.
Part of the problem is that mental illness in the media has been sensationalized to the point that it is hard to have a serious discussion about the topic. Someone does something horrific and all the mentally ill are lumped into the actions of that individual. So if you state that you have depression or anger issues or happen to be bi polar, then there are assumptions made about YOU based on the actions of others, which is not fair in the least.
Not to say that things aren’t getting better. There is more rational discussion and people aren’t as afraid to say that they have dealt with mental illness either on their own part or because of someone they know.
Oh and telling a depressed person to just cheer up and they have so much to be thankful for is not that helpful or at least never was to me. Depression, not just being sad about something, is brain chemistry related for the most part. There is something going on chemically in the brain that sends me to that dark dungeon and puts me in a time out. I can’t just cheer up.
And that is where I think we need to move the discussion. Away from the idea that a depressed person is really sad and into the realm of a depressed person has a medical condition that they need to deal with like a person with any other medical condition from arthritis to cancer.
Not all depressed people look depressed. One of the most happy outgoing people I know has dealt with severe depression for years. If I told you that and you knew the person, you would laugh and say that’s impossible. But it is very possible and this person has days that they would love to just hide in bed and do nothing and there are occasion they have done just that.
Also, like every cancer patient is not the same, every depressed person is not the same and what works for one will not work for the other.
So here it is and I am opening the floor to questions about this topic. There are some areas that I would rather not discuss but there isn’t much I won’t talk about on this topic. So feel free to ask someone who has being dealing with her depression for years now whatever you want.
And for people who are depressed, you are not alone. There are more of us out here than you can imagine. We might not understand all about your feelings, but we can sympathies and we are willing to help.
I am grateful that I didn’t succeed in killing myself because I would have missed so much in my life which I love.
What follows is a rather frank essay about depression and me. I know everyone’s lives are different and how we deal with things are different. This is about how I feel and handle things. I am putting it under a cut so that I don’t cause others pain or trigger anything.
I have stated here before that I have had to deal with some serious bouts of depression. I have been treated for depression on several occasions both with therapy and medication. And I have tried to end myself and, obviously, didn’t succeed.
Now I am in a much better place and I can recognize the signs that I am slipping back into a depressive state and take the steps that work for me to bring myself out of it.
Does it work all the time? No, but I can work myself back to a point where I am able to deal with the world and the people in it even if I am not feeling myself.
A number of people over the years have said to me that they had no idea that I was depressed. Over the years I have gotten very good at hiding it. I have a public face that I take out and put on when out and about but it can be the times away from everyone else that I find myself wondering how I am going to make it to the next day.
I don’t remember where I first read or heard about the idea of imagining depression as a black dog sitting on someone’s chest and following them around nipping at their heels. That works for me. In a syndicated comic strip entitled Rose is Rose, Rose has what she calls the dungeon of resentment but it seems to me to be more than that as the strip went on and I can see myself slipping sometimes into a pit of despair which looks a lot like her dungeon of resentment.
We don’t talk about mental illness the way that we use to not talk about cancer or divorce or a slew of topics that are discussed now. It is still in the shadows talked about in whispers.
For years I didn’t talk about depression because I was warned that it could very well keep me from getting a job. If I were mentally unbalanced then employers would not hire me. Past mental breakdowns would keep me from being able to do things in the future. And I think that thinking is wrong. I can’t tell you many people I know who have had problems with depression or other mental health issues that are doing just fine at their jobs.
Part of the problem is that mental illness in the media has been sensationalized to the point that it is hard to have a serious discussion about the topic. Someone does something horrific and all the mentally ill are lumped into the actions of that individual. So if you state that you have depression or anger issues or happen to be bi polar, then there are assumptions made about YOU based on the actions of others, which is not fair in the least.
Not to say that things aren’t getting better. There is more rational discussion and people aren’t as afraid to say that they have dealt with mental illness either on their own part or because of someone they know.
Oh and telling a depressed person to just cheer up and they have so much to be thankful for is not that helpful or at least never was to me. Depression, not just being sad about something, is brain chemistry related for the most part. There is something going on chemically in the brain that sends me to that dark dungeon and puts me in a time out. I can’t just cheer up.
And that is where I think we need to move the discussion. Away from the idea that a depressed person is really sad and into the realm of a depressed person has a medical condition that they need to deal with like a person with any other medical condition from arthritis to cancer.
Not all depressed people look depressed. One of the most happy outgoing people I know has dealt with severe depression for years. If I told you that and you knew the person, you would laugh and say that’s impossible. But it is very possible and this person has days that they would love to just hide in bed and do nothing and there are occasion they have done just that.
Also, like every cancer patient is not the same, every depressed person is not the same and what works for one will not work for the other.
So here it is and I am opening the floor to questions about this topic. There are some areas that I would rather not discuss but there isn’t much I won’t talk about on this topic. So feel free to ask someone who has being dealing with her depression for years now whatever you want.
And for people who are depressed, you are not alone. There are more of us out here than you can imagine. We might not understand all about your feelings, but we can sympathies and we are willing to help.
I am grateful that I didn’t succeed in killing myself because I would have missed so much in my life which I love.
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no subject
Date: 2015-09-13 07:07 pm (UTC)I've dealt with the Black Dog, due to PTSD from a terrorist attack. I still feel very angry at the world, and feel very meaningless, but I'm feeling better.
My biggest problem is when I feel like everything is meaningless. I can sit for hours, just...not moving. Any tips?
For the family, Happy 5776, may you be sealed in the book of Life!
no subject
Date: 2015-09-13 10:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-09-13 10:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-09-15 04:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-09-13 10:06 pm (UTC)I was diagnosed as clinically depressed several years ago. I can still tell when I start circling the drain of depression, when things seem very dark and for no reason. I know I have to watch my eating (I"m slighly hypo-glycemic and my moods will change if my blood sugar drops) and I know I need to keep up with my exercise, which is damn near impossible when I'm on the downward slide. My beloved husband of nearly 30 years - god bless him - *still* tells me to just be happy, there's no reason to be blue and cheer up. Somedays it's a miracle I don't kill him. :)
I am also one of those that is very very good at hiding my depression. Which is a good thing - I guess? - because other people aren't going to be able to "fix" how I"m feeling anyway, but it also means that very few people know when I am struggling.
I am lucky in that it has never been so bad that I tried to hurt myself. Well, there was one time (I don't want to go into details, but there were complicating factors) and I immediately put myself back into treatment. I have a fairly good amount of self-awareness.
no subject
Date: 2015-09-13 10:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-09-14 06:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-09-14 12:31 pm (UTC)Yeah that time can seem to stretch to eternity when it might be a few weeks. I hope making the appointment give you something solid to hold on to.
I wish you the best of luck my friend and know that I care.