puppetmaker | PMS Ranting

Sometimes I really wonder why I even bother writing this bloody thing.

There are times that I am grateful that I am a woman and there are other times I question why the whole biology thing has to work the way that it does. I really questioned it strongly when I pushed Caroline out into the world. So about every 4 weeks I get to feel like I want to run over small animals or don’t want to get up and face the world depending on where my mood swings that day. Happy doesn’t happen. Best I can get is a bit on edge.

Yesterday was a run over small animal day. I didn’t get a bloody thing done except keep the house from falling into Chaos. This morning Chaos won. Today I would rather be asleep but that also could have something to do with the fact that 2 of the cats got stuck in Caroline’s room overnight. At 5:30 this morning I awoke to Caroline giggling at something. I figured out after I heard the 2nd plaintive meow over the baby monitor that there was a cat trapped in her room. I open the door and two shoot out. Caroline is quiet so I assume that she is either gone back to sleep or is playing quietly. About 6:15 she starts to make her wishes known that she is ready to get up and join the world. So I made a double pot of coffee this morning and started my day such as it is.

I have errands to run and this evening I am going to a function that I am of two minds about. One the one hand it is a good place to “network,” find out what is going on in the segment of the publishing industry I am interested in, and get together with some friends. On the other hand I have to deal with the individuals who decided that they didn’t need my services anymore and encounter those who I am in direct competition with for any other jobs that might come up that I am qualified for. A number who already had jobs and decided they were unhappy where they were and moved to positions either within the companies or to other companies. My resume seems to be a piece of paper being used to justify others getting jobs I could do and do well. Yes, I am angry and frustrated. But if I had a regular 9 to 5 or later job then I couldn’t be here for Caroline or able to work on puppet, doll or costuming stuff that I find so fun. So I am a damned if I do and damned if I don’t situation. Then there is the whole run over small animals feeling. Sometime I just get so frustrated and really don’t have an outlet for the energy it generates. Today I don’t want to just have to “deal’ with how things are. I am tired of “dealing”. I am tired of feeling guilty for the time I spend with Caroline. I am tired of a lot of things right now. This feeling will probably either leave or go back to being a dull roar once my monthly courses have finished. Right now I am a raw nerve.

I am grateful for Caroline’s smiles.