puppetmaker (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
puppetmaker) wrote2008-03-25 10:08 am
puppetmaker) wrote2008-03-25 10:08 am
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LJ Idol 4 Week 20: 1 in 4
Monday Peter and I got one of our very rare lunches out by ourselves because school was out. He and I kicked around some topics for LJ Idol. A couple of good ones I had already written out so those when into the discard pile. A couple I felt I had covered enough on my blog over time that I had done them to death.
Then he brought something up that I have been avoiding thinking about for a while because even after a year the wound is still raw. Just the thought brings tears to my eyes and pain in my heart. It is probably why I have been in such a funk recently because just at the corner of my mind it sits waiting for me to look at it again.
On March 7th, 2007, I started having my period but it was rather heavy and a lot of clots. I was going through pads at an incredible rate. On March 8th I went to see my Ob-Gyn because the bleeding was not slowing down. They took a look at me and sent me to the hospital emergency room. I continued to bleed and drop clots. I had no idea what was going on and I was scared. Peter was there with me the whole time.
The doctor came in after my blood work came back and informed me that I was having a miscarriage for a pregnancy I didn't even know I was carrying. My world just shattered. I had to deal with both being pregnant and not being pregnant all at the same time. Peter was there to hold me while I sobbed for the child I would never have that I didn't even know about until right then.
Miscarriage is not talked about but happens to so many people and affects so many too. The statistic is that one in four pregnancies end in miscarriage and this may be much higher because many times it is considered a heavy period or the cycle being off since the woman doesn't even know that she is pregnant. Peter and I were amazed at the response we got from our communities both online and offline. We gave people a platform to talk about something that doesn't get talked about often except in hushed whispers. I still hear from people who thank me for being so open about what happened to me so they can show it others to help them see that it is not their fault. It happens to other people too.
That night was not the end of it. I carried around a piece of that child for another 2 and half months before I finally had a D&C to get rid of part of the egg sac and the placenta which had firmly staying in place. The long they were there, the more chance that when it did separate I would have serious hemorrhaging and other complications.
If I had the child, he or she would be about 3 months old now. Caroline would be dealing with having someone younger than her around the house. I think the cats would have rolled their eyes and said Oh no. Not again. Ariel would have two younger siblings to deal with rather than the one. I might even be getting some sleep again because those first few months can be rather trying. There would be diapers and messes to clean up. But there would be smiles and baby firsts too.
But I don't have that child. I just have a hole where something might have been. I know that it was not my fault that I lost it. Heck I didn't even know I had something to lose until it was lost. And the question becomes would it have been better to know before hand that I was pregnant and then not or am I better off the way that it happened. Each has its pluses and minuses.
It is hard to figure out how to mourn that which was not known until it was gone. But I do mourn. I mourn for what could have been. It would not have been easy to fit another kid in the house, but we would have found a way to do it. I mourn for the loss of possibility and potential that never had a chance. But I feel guilty for still feeling this way. It had been a year and I didn't know until after the fact.
It would have been hard to have another child. Peter would have been in his late 60s before this kid would be an adult. We have the room but we would have had to redo a good chunk of the bedrooms to make a room for it. Caroline is starting school this fall and my schedule will allow me to do more than I can do now. A child would have just put that day off another 5 or 6 years. Then there is the expense of raising a child. We have one going to college in less than a year and half.
But the ghost of the child, I believe he was a boy, still hovers just in the corner of my sight coloring my world with what could have been and it still bring tears to my eyes and pain to my heart.
Then he brought something up that I have been avoiding thinking about for a while because even after a year the wound is still raw. Just the thought brings tears to my eyes and pain in my heart. It is probably why I have been in such a funk recently because just at the corner of my mind it sits waiting for me to look at it again.
On March 7th, 2007, I started having my period but it was rather heavy and a lot of clots. I was going through pads at an incredible rate. On March 8th I went to see my Ob-Gyn because the bleeding was not slowing down. They took a look at me and sent me to the hospital emergency room. I continued to bleed and drop clots. I had no idea what was going on and I was scared. Peter was there with me the whole time.
The doctor came in after my blood work came back and informed me that I was having a miscarriage for a pregnancy I didn't even know I was carrying. My world just shattered. I had to deal with both being pregnant and not being pregnant all at the same time. Peter was there to hold me while I sobbed for the child I would never have that I didn't even know about until right then.
Miscarriage is not talked about but happens to so many people and affects so many too. The statistic is that one in four pregnancies end in miscarriage and this may be much higher because many times it is considered a heavy period or the cycle being off since the woman doesn't even know that she is pregnant. Peter and I were amazed at the response we got from our communities both online and offline. We gave people a platform to talk about something that doesn't get talked about often except in hushed whispers. I still hear from people who thank me for being so open about what happened to me so they can show it others to help them see that it is not their fault. It happens to other people too.
That night was not the end of it. I carried around a piece of that child for another 2 and half months before I finally had a D&C to get rid of part of the egg sac and the placenta which had firmly staying in place. The long they were there, the more chance that when it did separate I would have serious hemorrhaging and other complications.
If I had the child, he or she would be about 3 months old now. Caroline would be dealing with having someone younger than her around the house. I think the cats would have rolled their eyes and said Oh no. Not again. Ariel would have two younger siblings to deal with rather than the one. I might even be getting some sleep again because those first few months can be rather trying. There would be diapers and messes to clean up. But there would be smiles and baby firsts too.
But I don't have that child. I just have a hole where something might have been. I know that it was not my fault that I lost it. Heck I didn't even know I had something to lose until it was lost. And the question becomes would it have been better to know before hand that I was pregnant and then not or am I better off the way that it happened. Each has its pluses and minuses.
It is hard to figure out how to mourn that which was not known until it was gone. But I do mourn. I mourn for what could have been. It would not have been easy to fit another kid in the house, but we would have found a way to do it. I mourn for the loss of possibility and potential that never had a chance. But I feel guilty for still feeling this way. It had been a year and I didn't know until after the fact.
It would have been hard to have another child. Peter would have been in his late 60s before this kid would be an adult. We have the room but we would have had to redo a good chunk of the bedrooms to make a room for it. Caroline is starting school this fall and my schedule will allow me to do more than I can do now. A child would have just put that day off another 5 or 6 years. Then there is the expense of raising a child. We have one going to college in less than a year and half.
But the ghost of the child, I believe he was a boy, still hovers just in the corner of my sight coloring my world with what could have been and it still bring tears to my eyes and pain to my heart.
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I'm still just as sad for you both as I was when you both first wrote about it a year ago.
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My mom and two of my very dear friends have all gone through miscarriages. So I have seen the pain that those bring. And I know it is nothing to brush away. I think your entry has very emotionally expressed the sadness that such a thing brings...
I was 11 when my Mum went through her miscarriage and as hard as I think it would have been to deal with a new sibling and child in the house(being an only child), I have always been very sad for my mom and what she went through at the time. And would have gladly accepted the new child rather than have my Mom go through what she did.
So I send much love and hugs your way, especially in memory of your child. Your little boy.
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*hugs* for tackling such a difficult topic
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And we're seldom actually given the chance to mourn by the people around us - they tell the women to get over it, and they treat the men involved as though they do not exist and their loss isn't just as real.
Oh, yes. Been there. Still bitter about it.
But the ghost of the child, I believe he was a boy, still hovers just in the corner of my sight coloring my world with what could have been and it still bring tears to my eyes and pain to my heart.
My continued sympathies for you and for Peter. We don't get over things like this; we just get through the hours.
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When my stepfather told us she'd lost him, it was the first time I'd ever seen him cry.
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(I love your icon, btw.)
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*HUGS*
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My mom, on the other hand, had two miscarriages; a girl before my eldest brother was born, and another between our brother and my births. (Is that correct grammar? Oh, well.)The first child had hastened her marriage, and then there wasn't a baby, which took quite a toll on her. We come from a very large, close-knit Irish/Polish clan, so she'd always wanted a child. After that, she had little difficulty conceiving, but carrying to term and delivering a child was problematic. She ended up carrying three children to term, but required Caesarian sections for each.
For thirty years, she suffered from painful adhesions from the surgeries, as well.
I can barely comprehend what that must have been like for her, and then to finally have the little girl that she had always dreamed of... What she got was "a very fiery, unconventional individual who has challenged a lot of [her]preconceived notions and given [her] a refreshing outlook on life".
*brings tea and sympathy*
Thank you for sharing.
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That's exactly how it is too.
A ghost child, not seen, but hovering just out of sight and leaving a shadow only visible to the people it would have affected.
I feel you on this one, having experienced it myself.
Thanks for sharing, the last bit brought tears to my eyes.
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I can't pretend to know what you are going through. I expect that it is the sort of thing that people tell you that you'll get over, but that you never really will. I hope that as time goes on, though, that coping with it will come easier.
Theno
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This has resulted in two things: my parents setting impossibly high standards for me and my parents being insanely overprotective. They're still like this, which is a big reason why I want to move away to the city. They'll be far enough away that I can actually live my own life.
That being said, don't let the ghost of your baby boy overshadow your other children. Just be thankful that you have them. But I don't think you need me to tell you that. It's obvious that you're a wonderful mother.
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I'm really struggling to find words to express how I feel about the entries written this week.
But I needed to comment so you know that I have read, and appreciated all you put into this entry.
Thank you!
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I lost a baby the only time I was ever pregnant, three years ago. That tiny ghost still does make me wonder sometimes.
Again, this is truly a wonderful post.
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I actually considered writing about it for this open topic, as it was one of the worst times of my life and something that still feels so strong in my memory.
Yes, they are so common. Almost every woman in my life who is child-bearing age has had one, yet, we all grieve differently don't we? And that baby, your baby, was unique, even if the experience was not.
*hugs*
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