Air to breath

Yet another in a series of frank entries about depression so I am warning for discussion of metal health, self harm, self neglect, and depression.

A friend of mine posted the following in a group I am part of which discusses mental health and fandom among other topics.

Person 1:"Why do you have depression? You have so much to be happy about"

Person 2: "Why do you have depression? You have so many accomplishments"

Person 3: "Why do you have depression? You have so many people who value you"

Depressed Person after hearing why they should not be depressed: "Why do you have asthma? You have so much air you can breathe"

There are physical symptoms of depression that may be visible from the outside but one would chalk it up to a virus or something besides mental health.

And there is a bit of a disconnect here. People who don’t deal with depression can’t understand what dealing like depression is like. I had been told all kinds of things over my life that I might or would feel when I became pregnant but until I was actually pregnant, it was more academic than reality.

I can give you all kinds of metaphors and similes for how I feel but unless you are in my head, and if so please leave, you really can’t understand. I’m not saying that you cannot sympathize with my problems, but sometimes I need to talk more than I need a pep talk or solutions that are really sweet but don’t work for me.

There are days that I need a list of things I need to do to keep myself moving forward and on some of those days I have to force myself to do things that are good for my health.

There was an article I read entitled “The girl with the dirty hair” and it was one woman’s story of dealing with her severe depression to the point that she didn’t see the point of showering or even putting on clean clothes. On her good days, she would at least change clothes more to conform to societies norms rather than she felt like she would feel better in clean clothes. She was a college student at the time and in a high pressured degree track that many students looked like her because there was so little time to do anything but study.

Over the years I have come to find that I am at my best when I have balance in my life. Not too much stress but a little bit because that motivates me. I may not be happy but I am satisfied with what I have done with my life so far. And even at my darkest of days, there were moments of actually happiness and satisfaction with my life. But they were only moments and, to me, made the dark times worse.

I know I need exercise in my life to maintain my balance. I do best when I can work out on a schedule that allows me to push myself but not hurt myself. There are times that things look bad to me even though rationally I know nothing is seriously wrong that I go on a brisk walk to clear my head and see if I can get some dopamine and endorphins going. Cleaning can do the same thing once the project is done. Before that I just spend time feeling guilty that I have let it get this far or that I haven’t finished the project. Sometimes I just force myself to do it and feel better after I am done.

Part of the problem for me is I can look at what is going on from ‘the outside’ and know that what I am worried about or down on myself about is silly or nonsensical that doesn’t change that I am worried about it. I can get my brain so wrapped on something that it can be hard to let it go. We call it scenarioing around here.
I can tell when I am starting down that dark path and I can tell how far down I am on the path depending on how much I want to turn things around. The further in, the harder it is to turn around.

And I am one of the lucky ones that has support and people I can kvetch to and a pretty spiffy life.

There are so many who don’t.

I am grateful I have the support system that I have.