puppetmaker | Suicide Prevention Week 2016 (Reply)

Apparently this week (September 5th to September 11th) is Suicide Prevention Week.

This might get a little heavy for some and may cause others to be uncomfortable and for some I know this is a major real trigger.

So I am warning for a frank and unsugar coated entry about suicide.

I will, however, put this behind a cut so I don’t upset people.

Suicide has been described as a permanent solution to a short-term problem, which is a major over simplification of the situation.

I have tried to kill myself on several occasions in my life where I thought that death would be preferable to the pain I found myself in at the time.

Once was when I was being bullied in school to the point that I felt that death would be better than having to face another day at school dealing with the pain that was my every day at that school.

Once was during graduate school when a lot of things came to a head and I got chewed out for something I didn’t do so I tried to end it but thank goodness that the knife didn’t have an edge.

Once was after I was ‘let go’ by a theater that I loved working at because they told me that they decided that they didn’t need my services anymore. Looking back I was heading down the path pretty fast to total despair and was not at my best as a stage manager.

There was one other time but that is still too personal for me to put out here for all eternity.

In each case I was lucky and got the help I needed to make it through that day and then the next and the next.

I was given medication that allowed for my brain chemistry to be calm and let me see things more rationally.

I learned how to deal with my pit of despair and not let it control me.

Slowly in each case it got better and I got better.

But at that tipping point I didn’t see how it could get better.

I wish I could go back and tell myself at that point what my life is like now to give myself some hope for the future.

Now I can recognize when I am heading down that dark path and I have the tools to turn myself around. Doesn’t mean I am happy all the time or that my life is perfect by any stretch of the imagination.

I have a life that I do love and people around me to support me when things get bad.

I have known in my life several people who didn’t have my luck and committed suicide. There is a big hole that got ripped in all our lives after they took theirs. A lot of questioning about what could we have done or what did we not see? We blame ourselves for not being able to help the dead.

I have some friends who have dealt with their children decided to end it. A parent should not have to bury their child but they did. Again they question everything they ever did in their child’s life that led that child to decide that dying was better than living. They are haunted by this and will be until their dying day.

I think we need to celebrate those who didn’t succeed. Those who are still here on this planet working through each day as hard as that may be for them. Who are striving to get better and make their mark in the world.

My name is Kathleen and I am a suicide survivor.

And I am damn happy that I am still around for all the things that have happened since I tried to kill myself and didn’t succeed.

I am grateful to all the people who have helped me want to stay on this planet and see what’s next.