Stuck in Neutral with no will to switch to Drive
I am warning for discussion of depression and possible triggers for depression. This entry is form my Point of View and your mileage may vary greatly.
I had a depressive episode yesterday that I recognized as the beginning of the slide into not caring about anything and the dark pit of despair looming in front of me.
So I worked back to why I might be depressed and tried to figure how to keep from going further into the slide.
It could have been the bad news we got in the mail. It could have been the end of that ‘time of the month’ although if I am sliding then it tends to be right before. It could be some bad news I got on the Internet several times yesterday. Or it could be a chemical imbalance in my brain that I need to counteract in some way.
It could have been all of the above or none.
All I knew was that I was sitting on the couch with no will or wish to do anything.
I went back through my day and found that I had been pushing myself to do things all day. I got up after not a good night’s sleep. I got Caroline’s breakfast and my coffee. We went to the gym. I fixed the broken toilet seat and a clogged drain. I loaded the dishwasher and wiped the counters. We got Caroline some clothing that fits since her legs seem to be lengthening each day. I dealt with dinner. I made sure that the cats had food and water.
But things fell to the floor and I left them there. I just dumped things in the living room without putting them anywhere proper. I tripped over things and did nothing.
No writing except my earlier blog entry and that was pulling teeth to write. No puppet work. No work on Caroline’s project that she now has a week to finish and I am the reason she is not working on it. She needs my help and I am not being the best at giving it to her.
I have so much to do and no will or want to do anything. I am stuck in neutral at best.
And that’s my form of depression without the suicidal component. Don’t worry, I am not thinking of harming myself in anyway. I have too much to live for. I have a husband who loves me and a daughter that I have promised to be there for. I have puppets to make and words to write. I have friends to celebrate with and new friends to make. I don’t feel desperate, I feel numb and a little sad because I feel numb.
After another night of not great sleep, I got up this morning. I picked up the stuff that had fallen on the floor. I cleaned up the kitchen. I made Caroline breakfast and myself coffee. Caroline has a Girl Scout activity sorting food at a food pantry today. I need to get some food into the house for the week.
I sat down and wrote this out. I will probably post it next and then go onto the next thing that needs to be done today.
One foot in front of the other and moving forward.
If that is the best I can do today, it will be enough. I can take care of that which must be done and work on what should be done.
I’ll take my little victories like clean counters or a coffee table that the cats enjoy because it is clear. I will try to get other things that should be done like clean laundry upstairs and the grocery shopping.
I will not worry about what other people haven’t done or should have done. I have no control over that.
I will do the best I can and try bring myself back out of neutral and into drive.
I am grateful for each thing I will get done today.
I had a depressive episode yesterday that I recognized as the beginning of the slide into not caring about anything and the dark pit of despair looming in front of me.
So I worked back to why I might be depressed and tried to figure how to keep from going further into the slide.
It could have been the bad news we got in the mail. It could have been the end of that ‘time of the month’ although if I am sliding then it tends to be right before. It could be some bad news I got on the Internet several times yesterday. Or it could be a chemical imbalance in my brain that I need to counteract in some way.
It could have been all of the above or none.
All I knew was that I was sitting on the couch with no will or wish to do anything.
I went back through my day and found that I had been pushing myself to do things all day. I got up after not a good night’s sleep. I got Caroline’s breakfast and my coffee. We went to the gym. I fixed the broken toilet seat and a clogged drain. I loaded the dishwasher and wiped the counters. We got Caroline some clothing that fits since her legs seem to be lengthening each day. I dealt with dinner. I made sure that the cats had food and water.
But things fell to the floor and I left them there. I just dumped things in the living room without putting them anywhere proper. I tripped over things and did nothing.
No writing except my earlier blog entry and that was pulling teeth to write. No puppet work. No work on Caroline’s project that she now has a week to finish and I am the reason she is not working on it. She needs my help and I am not being the best at giving it to her.
I have so much to do and no will or want to do anything. I am stuck in neutral at best.
And that’s my form of depression without the suicidal component. Don’t worry, I am not thinking of harming myself in anyway. I have too much to live for. I have a husband who loves me and a daughter that I have promised to be there for. I have puppets to make and words to write. I have friends to celebrate with and new friends to make. I don’t feel desperate, I feel numb and a little sad because I feel numb.
After another night of not great sleep, I got up this morning. I picked up the stuff that had fallen on the floor. I cleaned up the kitchen. I made Caroline breakfast and myself coffee. Caroline has a Girl Scout activity sorting food at a food pantry today. I need to get some food into the house for the week.
I sat down and wrote this out. I will probably post it next and then go onto the next thing that needs to be done today.
One foot in front of the other and moving forward.
If that is the best I can do today, it will be enough. I can take care of that which must be done and work on what should be done.
I’ll take my little victories like clean counters or a coffee table that the cats enjoy because it is clear. I will try to get other things that should be done like clean laundry upstairs and the grocery shopping.
I will not worry about what other people haven’t done or should have done. I have no control over that.
I will do the best I can and try bring myself back out of neutral and into drive.
I am grateful for each thing I will get done today.